Self-Sabotaging: Recognizing and Overcoming Toxic Behaviors
Have you ever set a goal with the best intentions, only to find yourself derailing your progress? Or have you found yourself about to achieve something, only to stumble over obstacles that you’ve unknowingly placed in your path? This frustrating behavior, which can hinder our success and well-being, is more common than you might think.
In this blog, we will explore the self sabotage meaning, uncover what causes self sabotaging, and arm ourselves with practical tools to help us break free from its grip. As an expert in spiritual, mental, and emotional healing, I will help you with recognizing and overcoming self sabotage, and guide you towards transformation.
What is self-sabotage?
We can all resonate with feeling frustrated with ourselves, but what's self sabotage? Self sabotaging is the act of consciously or unconsciously getting in your way, preventing yourself from achieving your goals, happiness, or personal growth. The self-sabotage definition talks of toxic behavior involving thoughts or patterns that undermine your success, which are often rooted in fear, self-doubt, or unhealed emotional wounds.
Self-sabotage is linked to insecure attachment styles and reflects an inner conflict where part of us resists change, growth, or worthiness. It's a protective mechanism the mind uses to avoid experiencing failure, rejection, or even success. But ultimately, it limits our potential and keeps us stuck.
Why do we sabotage ourselves?
There are many reasons for self sabotaging. Self-sabotage isn’t just about fear of failure, it’s a reflection of the parts of us that remain unhealed, such as past wounds, fears, and limiting beliefs. People who self sabotage may consciously or unconsciously sabotage the positive parts of their lives.
But what causes self-sabotage? Here are some of the main reasons why we engage in self-sabotaging behavior:
Low self-esteem
This occurs when individuals subconsciously undermine their success, happiness, or growth because they don’t believe they are worthy or capable. People with low self-esteem often feel uncomfortable with the idea of success. They may fear rejection and will often struggle with negative self-talk. This creates a mindset that keeps them from trying new things or putting in their best effort, which then can reinforce feelings of inadequacy.
Avoidance of failure
One of the most common reasons for self-sabotage is to avoid failure. When we worry about failing, we may avoid putting in our full effort or create obstacles for ourselves. This can be conscious or unconscious behavior, which protects our self-esteem because we can blame the failure on something other than our abilities. This is usually an unconscious behavior and is often the result of past experiences, trauma, or negative conditioning.
Difficult childhoods
Difficult childhoods often lead to self-sabotage because early life experiences shape our beliefs, self-worth, coping mechanisms, and emotional patterns. This can culminate in self-esteem issues, a fear of abandonment, and unresolved trauma that affects how you see the world and yourself. People may not even realize that their subconscious actions in adulthood originate from unresolved issues from childhood.
Relationship issues
Relationship issues often trigger our deepest emotional wounds and can bring up insecurities that lead us to undermine our happiness and connection with others. We may experience a fear of rejection, low self-worth, or find it hard to open up emotionally and trust others. We may become overly protective in a relationship or undermine a relationship’s connection and intimacy.
Cognitive dissonance
Self-sabotage often occurs due to cognitive dissonance, which is the discomfort we feel when our actions don’t align with our beliefs or values. We may know that we have an important project to finish but we procrastinate. We might convince ourselves that it’s ok because we work better under pressure, which then leads to last-minute stress. This form of sabotage is subconscious and often driven by beliefs and fears that we aren’t fully aware of.
Fear of the unknown
When we step into unfamiliar territory it can trigger uncertainty, anxiety, and a loss of control. This can feel overwhelming and often our mind wants us to feel safe by avoiding discomfort and keeping us stuck where we are. Here we are consciously or unconsciously self sabotaging, meaning we undermine our efforts so that we can avoid facing uncertain outcomes.
Issues with self-worth
People who struggle with feelings of unworthiness may sabotage their progress because they don’t believe they deserve happiness, success, or love. They may subconsciously find themselves feeling more comfortable in situations that reinforce their negative self-image, even if those situations are unhealthy.
Examples of self-sabotage behaviors
Self-sabotage can be subtle, often creeping in as small habits that seem harmless, but they can eventually add up and cause us to experience bigger setbacks. The good news is recognizing these toxic behaviors is the first step towards overcoming them.
So what's self sabotaging behavior and how can we spot it in ourselves and others? If you’re wondering what self sabotage behavior looks like, here are some common forms of self sabotage:
Procrastination
Procrastination is one of the most common self-sabotage behaviors. Putting off tasks until the last minute, avoiding responsibilities, or convincing yourself that you work better under pressure will end up causing unnecessary stress and anxiety.
Perfectionism
When we hold ourselves to impossibly high standards, it can stop us from moving forward. We may never start or finish things because we fear they will never be good enough. This can make us frustrated with our lack of progress and even cause us burnout.
Regret
When we spend too much time living in the past worrying about whether we’ve made the right choices, it can prevent us from moving forward and leave us in a cycle of negativity. Instead, we can use the past as a learning point to help us make positive changes in the future.
Avoidance
When we avoid things in life, it can lead to missed opportunities, prevent us from achieving goals, and stop us from addressing challenges in our life. We often find ourselves avoiding things because of a fear of failure, discomfort, or a deeper anxiety.
Lack of moderation
Anything in excess can cause us to become out of balance. This might look like overworking, overindulging in food, alcohol and drugs, extreme dieting, over-using social media, or overspending. Some of the issues this can lead to includes strained relationships, financial problems and even burnout.
Running on empty
When you constantly push yourself and neglect your physical, mental, or emotional needs, it can leave us stretched too thin. We may end up getting in our own way - making mistakes, experiencing ill-health, strained relationships and eventually burnout. Taking time for rest and self-care is essential for our success.
Lack of communication
When we don’t communicate effectively, this can create misunderstandings and stop our progress. Communication can feel challenging when we are afraid of conflict, rejection or being vulnerable with others. We may lose confidence with speaking up, even when it may improve things.
Common symptoms
Self-sabotaging behaviors may show up in subtle ways, but their effects can have an impact personally and professionally, and impact well-being. When we recognize the symptoms of self-sabotage, we can begin to understand them more deeply and work towards overcoming them. Here are some common symptoms to look out for:
Refusal to ask for or accept help
When we struggle unnecessarily we can end up missing out on valuable support, and even make things more difficult for ourselves. This is a sign of self sabotage and is often due to pride, a fear of being judged, or the need to appear independent. This can lead to missing out on opportunities and even feeling isolated.
Controlling behavior
When someone tries to control others or situations excessively, it might be a way to avoid facing their own fears or insecurities. When controlling behavior becomes too much, it can lead to stress, frustration, and strained relationships, which will then sabotage a person’s success and well-being.
Setting unachievable goals
When we set goals that are unrealistically high or impossible to achieve, we may justify it by calling ourselves ambitious. But we can end up frustrated, feeling like we’ve failed, and in a cycle of disappointment. Often, this stems from a subconscious fear of success or failure, perfectionism, or a lack of belief in ourselves.
Withdrawing from others
When someone withdraws themselves, it isolates them from support, guidance, and opportunities for personal growth. This form of self-sabotage may be due to fear, insecurity or past negative experiences. It can lead to a decline in well-being as a person separates themselves from meaningful relationships, emotional support and the chance to connect and collaborate with others.
Extreme self-criticism
This type of self-sabotage is often linked to perfectionism. Whilst it’s usual to self-reflect, when we become consumed in constant negativity towards ourselves, this undermines our self-esteem. We become trapped in a negative cycle of self-doubt and failure, which then limits our overall well-being.
Excuses and shifting of blame
When we make excuses and shift blame away from ourselves, we fail to take responsibility for our actions and learn from any mistakes we make. This behavior keeps us from facing any underlying issues that may be holding us back, and we end up in a cycle of avoidance and failure.
Substance abuse
Substance abuse is a sign that a person is self-sabotaging. It often serves as a coping mechanism for deep seated underlying emotional issues or stress. It can manifest as an attempt to escape from pain, anxiety, or feelings of inadequacy, but ultimately it can lead to further issues elsewhere in a person’s life.
Overspending
Overspending is another coping mechanism for deeper emotional issues. The brief sense of happiness or fulfillment that is gained will eventually lead to more negative consequences that can undermine financial stability and overall well-being. This can lead to wider issues with strained relationships, or the constant need for external validation.
Listen to the Gareth Michael Spirituality Podcast to learn more about self-sabotaging behaviors!
How to stop sabotaging yourself
As we’ve already discovered, sabotaging our happiness and success creates a significant barrier to living a fulfilling life. Here are some practical tips that will help you to stop self sabotaging:
Learn to be more self-aware
Now that you understand more about self-sabotage, learn to spot how and when it happens. Perhaps you procrastinate on an important task, set unachievable goals, or struggle to ask for help. Recognizing when this happens will help you become more self-aware and make conscious changes.
Create a plan
Creating a clear plan to stop the self-sabotage will prevent overwhelm and help keep you accountable. This structured approach will provide direction, allow you to break things down, and will ultimately reduce the likelihood of self-sabotage.
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness promotes self-awareness and is an ideal tool to use to keep us focused on the present moment. When we observe our thoughts without judgment, we can more easily identify patterns of self-sabotage and break free from this cycle.
Make more effort to communicate
Communication helps us to express our thoughts and feelings and helps to build stronger relationships. When we communicate openly and clearly, it can prevent some of the triggers for self-sabotage, such as feeling frustrated, stressed or alone.
Find the root cause of issues
Addressing the underlying issues driving self-sabotage will help you begin to challenge them and make conscious changes. It can be helpful to work with a counselor or therapist to uncover the root cause of the behavior and develop healthier coping strategies.
Use positive affirmations
Affirmations are positive statements that you repeat to yourself which help to shift your mindset and reinforce positive beliefs. These help to rewire your brain to focus on potential rather than limitations, creating an environment that supports your efforts rather than sabotaging them.
Set ACHIEVABLE goals
When goals are realistic you are more likely to experience success, which reinforces positivity. To reduce overwhelm, break down tasks into manageable chunks and set smaller deadlines. It can be helpful to use time management techniques like the Pomodoro method to keep you on track. This approach keeps you focused, organized and provides opportunities to celebrate your successes.
Seek professional help
Sometimes we may be unable to break the cycle of self-sabotage alone. Seeking support from a mental health professional such as a therapist or counselor provides a safe space to explore the underlying causes of self-sabotage. This will also give you access to the tools you need to move forward more positively.
Is there a treatment for self-sabotaging behavior?
Treatment of more serious self-sabotaging behaviors usually involves a couple of options; Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). These therapies both provide a person with tools and strategies to break the self-sabotage cycle and achieve success and happiness.
CBT involves identifying and challenging negative thought patterns that may be leading to self-sabotage. It helps a person to address the root cause of the behavior and replace those thoughts with more positive and constructive ones, empowering them to break the cycle.
DBT is very similar to CBT but also teaches emotional regulation. It is very helpful for people experiencing negative behavior who sabotage due to not being able to manage intense emotions and impulses. It teaches how to respond to challenges without it turning into destructive behavior.
Learn how to stop self-sabotage with Spiritual Coaching
If you’re ready to break free from the cycle of self-sabotage and unlock your full potential, spiritual coaching may be just the transformative path you’ve been looking for. Whether you’re struggling with relationships, personal goals, or in other areas of your life, Gareth’s personalized guidance will help you uncover the root causes of your self-sabotaging behaviors. Book your discovery call today.
Check out the Gareth Michael podcast, Practical Spirituality, to learn more about spirituality, self-sabotage, and more. Join us for practical advice, thought-provoking conversations, and strategies that will help you live your best life. Your journey to self-mastery starts now!
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